I really don’t have anything to write about. I mean, when your life consists of basically programming, the occasional field trip to the grocery store or the post office, and more programming, it’s not like a Crichton novel can be made of it.
Hmm… maybe later.
Last night was rough. I had several very vivid and very difficult dreams. They were about Mary & Maria, two women from my past, and it made me think about some issues that I am just not ready to deal with right now. Needless to say it kind of ruined my morning waking up to those issues. I don’t hold any grudges against them, but I still have lots of unanswered questions and unresolved issues, and I don’t know how to sort them out. I mean, one of my goals in this west coast adventure is to be able to move beyond the past in my dealings with women, but I have no idea how to actually go about doing that.
I find myself often wondering about them, how they are doing, what they are up to… those kinds of thoughts. I know that they don’t owe me anything, but I do wish I could understand their decisions and choices better. But that’s life, right? Unresolved events and lots of “what-if” scenarios… But man do I miss them.
I went to Yosemite Church’s 20-something singles group tonight, and I found it to be really interesting. There were about 30 people there, and they all seemed to be very open and personable. I was unable to stay for the after service get together thing because Jonathan needed to go take care of some stuff at Lisa’s, but hopefully I’ll get the opportunity to know some of them better as time goes on. I think that an important step for me is to expand my social circle beyond Jonathan & Lisa. Something easier said than done, at least for someone who works at home and has no transportation.
Who knows what the next week will bring… I guess I just keep doing what I am doing… living life one day at a time, and each day one hour at a time. It’s the best any of us can do.
Well, no kitten. Jonathan had to spend the day helping with some yard work over at Lisa’s, so I didn’t ask him to take me to the pound. Oh well… maybe I’ll have a chance to get one next week.
Right now I am trying to install Gentoo Linux on an old Pentium 200 MMX I bought from Andy a while ago. It is taking longer than you can possibly imagine. And, since as I was typing this, I accidentally turned off the power strip, it now gets to start over! I’m so proud of myself. ARRGHH!
I FOUND A COPY OF SABRINA TODAY!! I am so jazzed! I was at Circuit City to get a network card for the aforementioned computer, so I looked for the movie as I always do, and found it for only $9.99… $5 cheaper than Amazon.com, plus no shipping. I’m going to watch it tonight, I think. I have some other movies that I want to watch, but just haven’t gotten around to yet.
Well, time to RESTART the installation… UGH! 
Oh well, it’s not like I had any other plans for the evening. 
Man, my sinuses are KILLING me! I was totally out of commission for almost the entire day. I’m still feeling icky, but at least I’m not lying in bed anymore.
We demoed the Digital Content Delivery system I’ve been writing today to the customer most likely to use it, and they were thrilled. They thought the technology was really solid, and they even offered some suggestions on how to use it that I hadn’t previously thought of.
I feel guilty about just spending the whole day in bed. I always feel guilty when sick, though. It’s weird… I don’t know why it’s such a sensitive subject. I’m always worried that the people around me don’t feel like I’m working hard enough or something.
Tonight is Jonathan & Lisa’s date night, so I think I am just going to order pizza or something. We are almost completely out of food to cook, so it’s either pizza or bacon and eggs. The really disappointing thing is that there isn’t a Papa John’s here in Merced, so I’m stuck with Pizza Hut.
Dunno about the kitten this weekend. I’m actually a bit worried that having a kitten would make my allergies worse, but I really didn’t have too many problems when I had Kishi & Lexie at my old apartment.
Why do I feel like I am such a failure when I miss work? I mean, I am pretty much working 7 days a week at this point. But I still can’t shake the feeling of guilt and disappointment that I am somehow a failure if I’m not at my computer during the day. Man, it’s such a weird feeling.
Anyway, I guess I’m going to head into my bedroom and watch some TV while I wait for my pizza.
I made chicken fajiitas for dinner… not too bad. Though I am SOOOOOOOO tired of Atkins… It’s not the breakfast that I find difficult, it’s the lack of sweets and lack of variety in the dinner choices that is irritating.
Hunter took Jonathan’s bike to a local area bike shop in Atlanta, and they are going to tune it up and mail it out here, which saves me a couple hundred dollars. 
I asked Jonathan if he would mind a cat, and he said no problem, so I think I am going to try to go to the pound this weekend and look for one. The only problem is that I really miss Kishi and Lexie, and I don’t want to feel like I am trying to replace them.
I bought a copy of The MatchMaker on DVD today at Wal-Mart for $5.88! I was so pleased… I think Janeane Garofalo is such a hottie! Anyway, it’s supposed to be as cute movie… I’m going to watch it in the next couple of days.
Well, there really isn’t anything that interesting in my life to write about, so I’m going to sign off. Later!
Yeah, yeah… I didn’t write in my journal last night. So sue me. I wish I had an excuse, but I really just didn’t think about it. I am still trying to force myself to write in it every day, even when I have no idea what to write about.
I got my Rio Receiver working! I have my kickass speakers hooked up to my REALLY old receiver, and can now stream audio from my network to the receiver. I am using a custom kernel for my receiver that allows me to control it from a web browser. I’m so pleased.
I think I have made a decision… I’m going to just buy a bike this week. I know Jonathan has one in Atlanta, but I really need to get one… I am sitting at home way too much.
ALSO, I think I am going to get a cat! I’m so pleased. I’ll have to find the number / location of the local pound, but it should be fun! Cats are outstanding.
I’m at Starbuck’s right now… I just needed to get out of the house. I seem to just sit there all day, and then I go into my room at sit there all night. At least I have two computers, otherwise my view would never change.
I like coming to Starbucks…. even though I have DSL at home now, going out forces me to take a shower, get ready, and do something. I went off my diet for dinner tonight by having a Quiznos sub… it wasn’t worth going off my diet for. I am just tired of hamburger patties and chicken breasts. Atkins sucks sometimes.
Starbucks is pretty deserted tonight… wonder why. People at Starbucks seem to generally be very non-social. This surprises me, as when I go to a non-Starbucks coffee house, there are lots of people talking and interacting. The person next to me is reading and listening to music on headphones. The person in the corner is reading, and the couple two tables away are reading a newspaper and doing homework. I’m writing this and talking to people on IM. How ironic… I take a trip into the real world to talk to people in the virtual one.
Ugh. I wish I hadn’t eaten that sandwich. It feels icky in my stomache. Oh well… I’ll just go get a coffee refill to put on top of it.
My mom suggested that I go to the pound and get a kitten… not a bad idea. I need to do something to manage this depression. It’s beginning to get the best of me. No matter how hard I try, it keeps coming back and beating me up.
Oh well. That’s enough for now.
I’m tired of being a “nice guy.” It always seems that because I try to help others, and I try to be considerate of others feelings, that I always get treated like crap. I mean, what’s the point of trying to cheer people up? It’s not like it is going to do me any good if it works. And if it doesn’t work, it just makes a bad situation worse.
I think that my nice-guyness has been a way for me to compensate for my lack of self-esteem, and complete hatred of the way I look. I think that since I don’t have anything to offer in the looks department, I should compensate by being nice. If my 25 years on Earth have taught me anything, it’s that being nice means jack squat. I am the one who girls come to when they are having problems with their jerk boyfriends. I am the guy people come to when they need some kind of help or advice. But I am not the person people are drawn to in any other way. I’m totally average…. actually, I would say below average, as I don’t have washboard abs or a fat wallet to offer.
No, I think I am beginning to realize how futile being a nice guy really is. Girls aren’t interested, guys could care less… and in the end, it’s still just me sitting at home alone night after night, week after week.
So, I guess I need to learn how to be a jerk. I guess a good place to start would be to totally ignore the feelings of others, and no longer offer sympathy or empathy to those in need. But that’s not my character… how do you change something that has been at your core for so long? I have been a “nice guy” for so long that I have no idea how to be anything but. It’s the “act-it-until-you-are-it” syndrome… I have had such low self esteem for so long that it’s now a central character trait.
I rarely allow pictures to be taken of me, and looking at the shots Jonathan took on Saturday, I remember why. Every time I think I am making progress in regards to my appearance, I see a picture of myself, and am just disgusted. I mean, honestly, how on earth could anyone ever love me? How can someone look at me and say “That is a beautiful person?” Aside from my family, who is obviously biased, I don’t think that’s possible. It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, as long as you as you are attractive. Some may wish it weren’t true, but it is.
I’m an unattractive nerd who sits at home night after night, writing computer software and watching The Simpsons.
Why in the hell am I in California? I could be doing the EXACT same thing in Pensacola, or New Orleans, or Atlanta. That’s the problem with trying to change my life. There is always the same problem… me. And moving 2,400 miles isn’t going to solve that.
Well, I just finished eating lunch, and am waiting for my laundry to be done. We went to “Laundryland” where we had 6 loads of laundry between us. I hate laundry.
I got Bugzilla running on our server last night… I’m making good progress on some of the stuff I am working on, so that’s going well.
I REALLY need a bicycle. I hate sitting at home all the time. I mean, if I could just go up to Starbucks whenever I wanted, that would be outstanding. Plus, there’s lots of other neato stuff that is in bicycle distance, but not necessairly in walking distance. Jonathan has one in Atlanta, but I think I may just try to find a bicycle shop around here or something and get one. Hopefully some place that will actually assemble it for me. I’m not a hardware person.
Did anyone actually watch the Oscars last night? Sorry… but a bunch of rich snobby Hollywood elitists congratulating themselves isn’t as big of a deal in the world as the war in the middle east. You make films. That’s it. You aren’t saving the world, you aren’t “making a difference”
Hollywood rant mode off. Well, it’s about time for me to go back to “Laundryland” to pick up my laundry.
What a weird day! This morning, about 20 minutes after I woke up, I received an e-mail from my step-mom that Rainbow Kids had been hacked with an anti-war message. I was able to quickly get it back to normal, but she said she received about 100 messages in the few hours that it showed the defacement. What really pisses me off is that her hosting company obviously hadn’t properly patched their NT/IIS servers, since the hack appeared to be the result of a buffer overflow. I mean, it’s not like hosting web sites is a side-project to them… it is their primary business. I mean, come on! You wouldn’t expect a fast food restaurant to continue to serve meat it knew was tainted. Why settle for less from any company you rely upon?
Anyway, rant mode about Interland off. I had such a good time yesterday in San Francisco. Jonathan had to go into San Jose to exchange something at The Shane Company, so we decided to make a day of it.
After our visit to San Jose, we went up the coast to San Francisco. I was awestruck at how beautiful and massive the mountains were. The winding roads of CA 1 gave ample opportunity to soak in the beauty of the landscape.
On a less nature oriented front, I had my first my first Slurpee! Given that there are almost no 7-11 stores on the east coast, this isn’t that surprising. But I rather enjoyed my sugar-free brain-freezing beverage.
Once we arrived in San Francisco, we had an amazingly difficult time getting to the Metreon, as the protests had shut down two of the major roads in the area (Market & Mission streets), so we had to go about 10 blocks out of the way. We were finally able to park about 2 blocks from the Metreon, right behind the Moscone Center. The protest was turning onto Market street right in front of the Metreon, so I was able to get some really good pictures of the crowd, which I linked to yesterday. I consider those protests to be the embodiment of what we as Americans fight for… the freedom to express one’s self without fear. As Volatire said, “I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it.”
We went through the Metreon, which I found to be a lot less enjoyable than it was the last time I visited in 2001. A lot of the stores had been closed and replaced with Sony-branded “entertainment centers”. Gone were such cool things as the Apple Store and Microsoft:SF. In their places were things like “The Everquest Store”, and the Jelly Belly store. (Side note: Never trust Sugar-Free Jelly Belly jellybeans… man they will TEAR YOU UP!)
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I went to Yosemite Church’s alternative service, then to dinner with Jonathan, Lisa, and Lisa’s best friend Melanie. It was great until the discovery of a cockroach crawling on the wall, at which point we relocated ourselves to another table. Our reward for said discovery was that one of our meals was comped. Go us.
Anyway, that’s about it for now. I am in serious need of a laundry night, so I may make tonight that night. I’m so not interested in watching the Oscars, so it seems to be a good opportunity.
Later!
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